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Monday, October 31, 2011


Everyone loves Halloween. Except bitter old people and killjoys. But screw them. Everyone else loves Halloween. And why not? Happy little kids dressing up, cool decorations, candy, and just a generally "fun" sort of spirit. I know the spirit is supposed to be spooky and whatever, but the idea generally just comes off as fun.

In the spirit of October 31st, I'd like to share a few things. Both about what I see now and what I remember about Halloween.

First off, my house had maybe 6 trick-or-treaters this year. And I was dumbfounded by the utter laziness that all the parents of these children were in turn passing onto their kids. What is this nonsense with driving your kids to every single house? When the hell did that become the thing to do? When I was a kid too young to go out by myself, a parent or two (mine or someone else in the party's parent) would walk with us wherever we were going. There was none of this driving your kid to every single house. Sure, if you wanted to trick or treat in the next town over, a drive is perfectly acceptable. But literally escorting your kid 20 feet, having them run to the door, get their candy, then run back to the SUV and pull up another 20 feet? Not only is it completely lazy, it's a pain. I looked out onto my street when one of these groups of kids came to witness a virtual motorcade of cars and trucks. At least 5, in a line. One car for each kid. couldn't coordinate that better? Come on. When I was a kid, you walked the whole night until your damn feet hurt. And then you walked some more. And you were out there for hours dragging your pillowcase that felt like it weighed 50 pounds, and damnit you liked it. And if it was cold and the only thing you had on was your thin costume material, you sucked it up, cause that candy wasn't making its way into your bag by itself. And at the end of the night, after you got back, you knew you earned every single piece of candy in that bag. Every single piece of candy tasted that much sweeter. Not only that, but it was a bonding experience with your fellow trick-or-treaters and whatever parents came along too. Your parents got to see you having a great time and making sure your safe, (and checking your candy of course), and you were out there trekking with your fellow trick-or-treaters the whole night. And when you passed out in your sugar-induced coma at the end of the night with Hershey's chocolate all over your face, you were happy cause all that candy was yours, and rightfully so.

Now, enough with that. A few more points.

Remember those asshole kids who used to take more than their fair share at those houses with no one home, but they'd leave a bowl out filled with candy? What the hell. That used to tick me off then, and it does even more so now. Move along there, you already grabbed 4 handfuls. That bowl was brimming with all the good stuff before you got your ass up there. Then you'd get up there and there's like 3 Jolly Ranchers, some licorice and some candy I've never even heard of. Thanks, you greedy prick.

Also, what's up with the old people who hand out change? Or even worse, fruit? And why is it always old people? I respect you're trying to get kids to eat healthier or whatever with the fruit, but come on. It's Halloween. No kid wants to go to a door and get an apple after they say trick or treat. Plus, I don't even know where that apple's been, Grandpa. Just buy a bag of Reese's and save everyone the headache.

Where has all the creativity gone with costumes too? I actually did see some decent ones this year, but overall, it seems to be getting worse. And especially for people in my generation. And especially girls. Oh, you're a football player? Really? I thought you were a hooker. Since when do football players wear high heels, fishnets and a football jersey that my cat couldn't even fit into? Well, my cat is insanely huge, but still. You know what I mean. But in general, creativity...come on guys. We can do better than that! Of course vampires, skeletons, ghosts, witches and werewolves and stuff are always appropriate and classic, but that can't be your thing EVERY year. Even if you try something new and it's a monumental failure, hell at least you gave it a shot. This is also from a guy who's dad used to suggest EVERY year to "just be a ghost. Yeah, just cut out some holes in some bedsheets." Thanks, dad. Of course, looking at the cost of some costumes these days, maybe he has a point.

So I guess that's all I have to add. I know this post was a bit disorganized, but hey, it's Halloween. Cut me some slack. Be safe, and thanks for the read.

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